New AP Stylebook

In order to streamline costs for typesetters and editors, all AP stories will now adopt the following styleistic guidelines:

Fonts
When quoting the GOP, the font choice should be twelve-point Times Roman, because they are behind the times and want to go back to killing people for no good reason.

Exception: Ron Paul should always be quoted in thirteen-point-font to distinguish that what he says is extra-Republican.

Democrats are to be quoted in twelve-point Courier New, indicating that their ideas are regularly spaced and meaningful.

Exception: the words of Barack Obama shall be written in red.

Adjectives
Only those adjectives which appear in Greek Myth to describe the Furies can be used with Hillary Clinton. Thus, “wrathful” or “steely-eyed” can be used, but not “gentle” or “kind.”

Only beatific adjectives will be used with Mr. Obama.

The adjective list for John McCain remains unchanged: geriatric, angry, choleric, incontinent, and philandering.

Sources
Baptist Ministers must never be quoted in the paper under any circumstances, unless they use the C-word or are Mike Huckabee, in which case they may be quoted with abandon.

Greg Packer remains the official go-to average guy.

Party Affiliation
In order to save ink, only Republicans will have their parties identified in stories accompanying scandal, and only Democrats will have their parties identified when discussing successful government initiatives.